How Families Are Fighting the Caregiving Dilemma

At Home Helpers, we meet families every day who are struggling to care for aging loved ones. These daughters, sons and spouses describe how they can’t enjoy their family relationships anymore because their caregiving duties are overwhelming them.

This loss of choice and control has been so prevalent in these conversations that we started identifying this problem as the Caregiving Dilemma. I personally experienced it while caring for aging family members of my own some years ago, and it seems that more and more people are dealing with it these days. They come to our local senior care agencies for help when they realize it’s not worth agonizing over the Caregiving Dilemma alone anymore.

My friends and colleagues, the franchise owners of these local Home Helpers offices, are on the front lines of this issue. They’ve been gracious in sharing their experiences with me, and today I’d like to share some of these stories with you in the hope that they might help anyone currently struggling with the Caregiving Dilemma.

Caregiving Can Take a Toll on the Whole Family

Mitch Williams, who owns Home Helpers of San Mateo County, California, with his wife, Peggy, says that when family caregivers really begin to feel the Caregiving Dilemma, what results is “burnout, frustration, loss of control and even in some cases extreme anger.”

Mitch recently spoke with us about the complex relationships that become even more challenging as a caregiver:

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“The most common situation we see almost every day is the effect the Caregiving Dilemma has on the ENTIRE family. The seniors feel like they are intruding unnecessarily on their adult children, and the adult children (the family caregivers) experience multi-level guilt: They feel that they’re neglecting their own kids, spouse and chores at home; they feel guilty when they have to take care of themselves; and they really just feel like they can never spend enough time taking care of their parents.”

Sam Sellers, the owner of Home Helpers of Little Rock, Arkansas, had similar words to share. Recently, two different cases of the Caregiving Dilemma walked in his door. In the first instance, it was an older woman whose husband was living with Alzheimer’s disease. In the second, a woman’s mother had fallen and broken a hip, and her father was in the later stages of Alzheimer’s.

“In both instances, what I heard was the Caregiver Dilemma. They both played the role of caregiver to the best of their ability, but they were overwhelmed with that role and really wanted the role they were initially cast for. The first woman told me, ‘I want to by my husband’s wife again.’ The second woman used almost that exact same language: ‘I just want to be their daughter.’ ”

Another instance worth sharing comes from Alabama, where Home Helpers of Jacksonville franchise owner Kim McCutcheon said, “The most profound example we have experienced of the Caregiving Dilemma is when an elderly husband or wife is the primary caregiver for the other who has dementia.” She shared the story of a recent client family with us:

1) Take care of yourself.

“The number one thing I often say is, ‘Take care of yourself or you won’t be ABLE to care for your parent.’ ” —Mitch Williams

2) Don’t do everything by yourself.

“Don’t wait to seek help with caregiving, especially if it looks like the illness or injury is going to be a lengthy one. Don’t try to do everything by yourself. Caregiver burnout is a real thing, and if you are the only one providing the care, what will your loved one do if something happens to you?” —Kim McCutcheon

3) Hire only the best senior care available.

“I cannot stress enough how important it is to find a reputable caregiving agency to help provide care to your family. Meet the owner. If you don’t like him or her, it’s indicative of how your experience with the agency will be.” —Kim McCutcheon

Are you navigating a new caregiving situation and need some advice? Feel free to contact us or comment below. You can also follow us on social media for daily advice and inspiration. Find us on Pinterest, Twitter or Facebook.