---

Author: Michelle Brown

When Love Faces Its Greatest Test

Dementia is a harsh thief that gradually takes away the memories and personalities of our loved ones. Watching a spouse gradually lose recognition of their shared history is heart-wrenching. When your spouse forgets they're your husband or wife, it can feel like a terrible betrayal of all the love and companionship you've shared. Yet, this happens more often than people think. There are, however, ways to handle it with kindness, strength, and the ability to bounce back.

The Emotional Rollercoaster: Acknowledging Your Feelings

It's important to acknowledge and accept the range of feelings you're likely going through. Feeling grief, anger, frustration, and loneliness are all normal responses and are okay when dealing with such a tragedy. You might feel guilty about these feelings, but remember they don't lessen your love or commitment. Let yourself feel these emotions without being critical. Think about joining a caregiver support group or talking to a therapist who knows about caregiving problems. Talking about your feelings with people who understand can be incredibly cathartic and help you find ways to deal with problems.

Redefining Your Relationship: Love Beyond Recognition

While your spouse may not recognize you as their partner, the essence of your relationship – the love, care, and commitment – has not gone anywhere. Update the way you think about your relationship. Focus on creating positive moments in the present rather than what is lost. While your role might have evolved from partner to caregiver, your foundation is still intact.

Engage in activities your spouse enjoys and finds comforting, even if they don't remember being married. These activities can range from simply listening to their favorite music or viewing old pictures (without pressuring them to remember) or just sitting together in a quiet and serene garden. Bonding and satisfaction can result from shared experiences, even without recognition.

The Art of Communication: Speaking the Language of Love

When your spouse no longer recognizes you, you're faced with a new level of communication challenge. Dealing with this challenge involves:

1. Maintaining a calm, reassuring tone of voice.

2. Keeping eye contact and gentle touch to show warmth and care.

3. Letting relationship misconceptions pass without correcting them.

4. Reacting to the emotion behind their words.

5. Using simple, clear language and allowing them time to process information.

Remember, even if the words are not understood, the emotion behind the words often is. Your loving presence can comfort and reassure them, even when they do not understand. 

Self-Care: Nurturing the Caregiver

It is emotionally and physically demanding to care for a spouse with dementia. It's not selfish to put yourself first at times; it's a necessity. Make time for activities that nourish your soul, whether reading, exercising, or just visiting with supportive friends. Don't be afraid to request help from family members, friends, or professional caregivers. Respite care can give you critical breaks, allowing you to refuel and go back to your caregiving role refreshed and energized.

Building a Support Network: You're Not Alone

No one should have to battle this alone. Develop a strong support network that includes:

1. Your local Alzheimer's and dementia support groups

2. Forums and resources online for caregivers

3. Your friends and family: Stay in touch, even if it's just a call or text

4. Use a care manager who can coordinate services and be a guiding source.

5. Find community resources that provide adult daycare services or memory cafes.

Remember, asking for support is a sign of strength and allows you to continue supporting your spouse in the most effective way possible while taking care of yourself.

Legal and Financial Issues: Planning Ahead

It can be challenging to contemplate matters such as legal and financial issues early in the course of a dementia journey. However, it's beneficial to resolve these as soon as you can. Ensure that you have these in place:

1. Durable power of attorney for health and finances

2. Will 

3. Living will/advance directive

4. Long-term care financing plan

The peace of mind that comes with having these in place will free you to concentrate on your job as a caregiver without additional worry nipping at your heels.

Finding Moments of Joy: Embracing the Present

There can still be moments of joy and connection within your relationship amidst the challenges. Celebrate the good days and the small victories. Celebrate those times when your spouse has a moment of clarity or even a small display of affection, even when it is very brief. Find the humor in absurd situations that come up quite frequently with dementia; laughter can be very healing.

The Journey Continues: Love Endures

It can be a significant challenge to deal with a spouse who has developed dementia and no longer recognizes you. However, it is also an opportunity to demonstrate the incredible resilience of love. Being there and caring for them transcends the words, even if your spouse can't show their appreciation. After all, the person you love is still inside, buried behind the fog of dementia. Focus on the moments, adapting a new approach, and self-care will help you to honor your bond and continue to find meaning in the changing relationship.