---

Author: Jonathan Marsh

Starting a conversation about the future with your loved ones can be challenging. We created a short video and this blog that have useful information to help you start these difficult conversations. Download our free guide, "Starting the Conversation," for tips, specific examples, and conversation starters to guide your approach.

Independence, Choice, and Control

These three concepts are important for all competent adults, including seniors. When discussing the future with loved ones, focus on maintaining their independence, choice, and control. As adult children, we often try to fix things, which can lead to unproductive conversations if not approached correctly.

Recognizing that everyone values their independence and ability to make choices about their own lives is crucial. Seniors, in particular, may feel a loss of control as they age. Therefore, it is essential to approach these conversations with empathy and respect for their autonomy.

Focus on independence, choice, and control to help your loved ones feel more comfortable. This approach engages them in the decision-making process.

Common Phrases to Avoid

Avoid using phrases that can lead to confrontational conversations:

• "It would be easier for everybody if you just--"
• "I am just trying to help."
• "You'd be happier if I just--"
• "Why don't you just--"
• "I think you should--"
• "You know what you could do?"

Avoid leading questions and phrases like the above, as they can make your loved ones feel pressured or defensive. Instead, try to use language that is more inclusive and collaborative.

For example, refrain from saying, "I think you should move into a smaller place." Instead, ask, "What are your thoughts on your current living situation?" This approach invites your loved one to share their thoughts and feelings, making the conversation more productive.

Take Off the Superhero Cape

When preparing for a difficult conversation, remember to take off your superhero cape. Your loved one likely does not want to be rescued. Ask open-ended questions and avoid loaded questions to help and collaborate with your loved one to make the best decisions. Avoid the types of leading questions that can make them feel pressured or defensive.

Work with them, not for them, and support them in the decision-making process. Following this strategy can help you find common ground with your loved ones.

Removing the superhero cape means acknowledging that you cannot solve all of your loved one's problems alone. Understand that they need to be part of the decision-making process and that their opinions and feelings matter. Ask open-ended questions to encourage your loved ones to share their concerns and preferences. This approach can lead to more effective and respectful conversations.

Example Scenario

For example, refrain from saying, "Mom, you should move into a smaller place." Instead, ask, "Mom, as you get older, how are you going to take care of the house?" This open-ended question helps start a conversation where you can understand her desires and challenges. Work together to find appropriate solutions, allowing her to stay in control and age independently.

Here's a more detailed example: Let's say your mom is struggling with maintaining her large home. Instead of immediately suggesting she move, you might ask, "Mom, what parts of the house are becoming more difficult for you to manage?"

This question allows her to express specific concerns, such as difficulty with yard work or navigating stairs. From there, you can discuss potential solutions together. These might include hiring help for yard work or considering a single-story home.

Plan Ahead

Initiate these conversations as early as possible rather than waiting. In other words, talk about the future now and plan ahead before there's an immediate need. Understand what your loved ones want in their golden years and what is expected of family members. Planning for less-capable years should happen before the need becomes urgent.

Proactive planning can prevent a lot of stress and confusion later on. Discuss these issues early to ensure everyone is on the same page and respects your loved one's wishes. This planning may involve discussing living arrangements, healthcare preferences, and legal matters like power of attorney and advance directives. Having these plans in place can provide peace of mind for both you and your loved ones.

Listen with Your Heart

Listen to what your loved one is really telling you, not just the words they say. For example, if your mom says, "The paper ain't worth reading anymore," she might mean it's difficult to get the paper. She could also be saying it's hard to read the small print. Ask clarifying questions to get to the heart of the matter.

Listening with your heart means paying attention to the emotions and underlying concerns behind your loved one's words. Being empathetic and trying to understand their perspective is crucial. Asking clarifying questions shows that you value their feelings and are willing to address their real needs. This approach can help build trust and strengthen your relationship.

Additional Tips for Starting Difficult Conversations

1. Choose the Right Time and Place

• Find a quiet, comfortable setting where you can have a private and uninterrupted conversation. Choose a time when both you and your loved one are relaxed and not preoccupied with other tasks or concerns.

2. Be Patient and Understanding

• These conversations can be emotional and challenging. Be patient and give your loved one the time they need to process the information and share their thoughts. Avoid rushing or pressuring them to make decisions quickly.
• Be patient and understanding during these conversations. Actively listen to your loved ones and avoid closed-ended questions or coercive questions. This approach prevents pushing them toward a desired answer and creates a more supportive and respectful environment.
• Begin with small talk to make your loved one comfortable before transitioning into more serious topics. This can help start a good conversation that will flow naturally and set a positive tone.

3. Use "I" Statements

• Using "I" statements can help you express your concerns without sounding accusatory. For example, don't say, "You never take care of yourself." Instead, say, "I worry about your health and want to make sure you're okay."

4. Focus on Solutions, Not Problems

• Instead of dwelling on the difficulties, focus on finding solutions together. This approach can make the conversation more positive and productive.

5. Seek Professional Help if Needed

• If the conversation becomes too difficult or emotional, seek help from a professional. A counselor or mediator can facilitate the discussion and provide support.

Conclusion

Starting difficult conversations with loved ones about their future is crucial. Focus on having good conversations that allow them to maintain their independence, choice, and control. Ask open-ended questions, collaborate on solutions, and plan ahead. By listening with your heart, you can better understand their needs and support them effectively.

If you found this information helpful, download our free guide, "Starting the Conversation," from our website. It includes leading questions and tips to help you start these important discussions.