What Can We Still Enjoy Together? Familiar Music and Ordinary Connection at Home

Conversation can become harder as dementia progresses. You arrive, you ask how the week has been, and the answer does not come, or it comes and belongs to a different year. A visit can feel unfamiliar when the conversations you used to share are harder to follow. You may find yourself wondering what the two of you can still enjoy together.

This article is about what remains available when talking becomes harder, with familiar music as one place to start. It is written for families caring for a parent at home, and it describes ordinary companionship rather than a clinical treatment. It does not offer advice about medications or medical symptoms, which belong with your parent’s care team.

Begin with the person rather than the activity

Begin with what you know about the person and what they show you they enjoy.

What did your mother listen to when she was twenty? What did your father have on in the car, or in the garage on a Saturday? Was there a song at their wedding? Was there music in the house growing up, and was it the radio, a record player, or a hymnal on Sunday morning? Did either of them sing, and did they stop?

This is the kind of knowledge that makes a visit personal, and it is also the kind that disappears if nobody writes it down. Families often assume everyone remembers. Then a new caregiver starts, or a sibling flies in for a week, and the information is in one person’s head and nowhere else.

Our caregivers ask about likes and dislikes and about a client’s life story for this reason. Care that fits a person has to be built on knowing who they have been, and that knowledge is worth collecting while it is easy to collect.

Choose the music with your parent where you can

The Alzheimer’s Association’s guidance on art and music suggests choosing music that is familiar and enjoyable to the person, and involving them in the choice where that is possible.

Involvement can be small. Holding up two albums and watching which one your father reaches toward is a choice. So is noticing that your mother settles when one station is on and grows restless with another. Watch for responses as well as words when your parent cannot explain a preference.

This also means a playlist built entirely by an adult child may miss.

Keep it loose. There is no required number of songs and no schedule to keep. A single familiar album that gets played on the afternoons when it suits is worth more than an elaborate list nobody uses.

The room matters as much as what is playing

A detail that families miss is how much competing noise is in the house. The Alzheimer’s Association’s guidance suggests reducing competing noise and keeping the volume comfortable rather than loud.

Before you put music on, turn the television off. Close the window if there is traffic. Move the conversation in the kitchen somewhere else, or wait until it has finished. A person who is working hard to process one sound at a time can find a room with three sounds in it tiring, and the music becomes one more thing to sort through rather than something to enjoy.

Volume deserves the same care. Many older adults have some hearing loss, and the instinct is to turn the sound up. Loud is not the same as clear, and a volume that feels comfortable to you may be uncomfortable to a person sitting closer to the speaker.

If you would like to think through what kind of support at home might fit your family, you can work through the care-planning quiz at your own pace.

Watch what happens, and be willing to stop

Music is not always welcome, and the same song is not always welcome on the same day.

Stay in the room and pay attention to the response. Some people become calmer, tap a hand, hum, or sing words they have not said in conversation for a long time. A song can also bring an emotional response. If you are unsure whether your parent is comfortable, pause and check rather than assuming they want it to continue. Some become agitated, turn away, or try to leave. If that happens, turn it off without making it a problem, and try something else another day.

Please do not treat a response as a test your parent has passed or failed. The question is whether this hour is pleasant for them, not whether the music has produced an effect you were hoping for.

Music is one door, and there are others

Families sometimes fix on music because they have read that it helps, and then conclude that nothing works when their parent turns out not to care for it much.

The principle underneath is preference rather than music. A person who loved the garden may be content sitting where they can see it, or holding a seed catalogue. A person who always had a dog may respond to a visiting one. A person who cooked may want to be in the kitchen while someone else does the work, snapping beans or stirring something that does not matter. A person who followed a sport may still enjoy having the game on with someone beside them.

Looking through photographs can go either way and is worth approaching gently. You can name people in a picture and share the story without asking your parent to identify everyone.

Our guide to dementia care at home in Ann Arbor covers the wider picture of what care at this stage usually involves.

Ordinary companionship

Putting on music your mother loves and sitting with her is companionship. You do not have to perform or lead an activity. You can simply listen together, with the support your parent ordinarily needs.

It is ordinary time spent well, and that is a reasonable thing to want for its own sake. Please be cautious with any claim that an activity at home will improve memory, reduce medication or make personal care easier. Those are outcomes nobody can promise you, and a good afternoon does not need to be justified by them.

Tell whoever helps at home what you have learned

If a caregiver comes into the house, the preferences you have gathered should go with them rather than staying in your head.

Write a short page and share it with the people your parent has agreed can help. Include the music they like and dislike, what they listened to at different points in their life, and the signs that they have had enough. Note their response to activities rather than promising that a particular song will settle them. You can also record the interests and experiences they want a caregiver to know about.

Keep that page open to changes. A preference recorded last month may not fit today, and whoever spends time with your parent can add what they notice.

Where home care may fit

Home Helpers Home Care of Ann Arbor provides companionship, personal care, meal preparation, mobility assistance, medication reminders and dementia care. Caregivers are matched to a household with the person’s routine and preferences in mind. What is available for your situation and schedule depends on an individual conversation, and nothing here should be read as a promise of a particular caregiver, a particular skill or a particular result.

If you are stretched to the point where there is no room left for a pleasant hour with your parent, our guide to caregiver burnout in Washtenaw County is worth reading alongside this one.

Frequently asked questions

What if my parent never cared much about music?

Then music is probably not the place to start. Work from what they did care about, whether that was the outdoors, cooking, animals, a craft or a sport, and build the visit around that instead.

Does my parent need headphones or a special device?

No. Whatever is already in the house is usually fine. Headphones suit some people and feel confining to others, and a shared speaker has the advantage that you are listening together rather than sitting beside someone who is somewhere else.

My mother becomes upset when a particular song comes on. Should we avoid it?

Follow her response. If a song reliably distresses her, leave it out, and mention it to anyone else who spends time with her so the same thing does not happen again. If you are unsure how she feels, pause and check with her or someone who knows her responses well.

Can we do this if we live out of state?

Often, yes. Families arrange a call at a set time with music playing, or send a prepared player to the house for a caregiver to use. Ask whoever is with your parent to tell you how it went, since you will not be able to see the response yourself.

One thing to do this week

Write down a few songs your parent has enjoyed, and ask them which they would like to hear. If they cannot tell you, ask someone who knows their preferences and watch your parent’s response. You can stop or choose another activity whenever it no longer suits.

If you would also like to look at what help at home might fit, the care-planning quiz is a place to start, and your notes about preferences are worth bringing to any conversation about care. Medical questions belong with your parent’s treating team.

Elizabeth Snyder Corman, M.Div., is the owner of Home Helpers Home Care of Ann Arbor and a former hospital and hospice chaplain.